


Cauliflower Envy

by SelenaTerna



Series: Prompt Fics [3]
Category: Doctor Who & Related Fandoms, Doctor Who (2005)
Genre: Crack Fic, F/M, Humour, Strange Innuendos, and other funnies, cauliflowers, gratuitous references to Monty Python, silliness, so much silly
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-06-26
Updated: 2017-06-26
Packaged: 2018-11-19 08:34:39
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,424
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11309691
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SelenaTerna/pseuds/SelenaTerna
Summary: Rose is captured on an alien planet. The Doctor and Mickey plot to get her back. Strange happenings ensue.





	Cauliflower Envy

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Kelkat9](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Kelkat9/gifts).



> Hello lovelies! So this strangeness was created in response to the prompt "I have a question, why?" from Kelkat on Tumblr.
> 
> I....was not expecting to write this at all, and apologies if it's not what you were expecting. It's silly and cracky and just generally ridiculous and....yeah. Sorry? LOL in my defence RL has been awful and the muse escapes by writing...this. LOL please don't hate me!
> 
> I hope you manage to get even a teensy laugh from this!
> 
> NOTE: The music 'El Bimbo" referred to in the fic is a well known piece- you might recognise it as the music played in the Blue Oyster Bar in Police Academy. Link here. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iRtlDl_kGIk Ahem. Yes.
> 
> The Doctor's dancing as I imagine it here is DT from the Virgin Media ads.
> 
> Also references to other funny things-see which ones jump out at you!

“Now, make sure that the cauliflower is top side up and attached firmly to your head.”  
  
Mickey grimaced. “Yeah alright boss, but-”   
  
The Doctor interrupted him, waggling his finger warningly. “And whatever you do, don’t you start _snacking_ on it, Mickey Smith! That cauliflower is a _disguise_ , not lunch!”   
  
Mickey sighed. “Yeah, I get it, but-”   
  
“And remember, you have to be confident, regal, and above all _manly_ , Mickey. Walk tall, head up and swagger.” The Doctor preened. “Just copy me.”   
  
“Right, so look like a tall, skinny bloke poncin’ about with a bloody great cauliflower on his head. Got it.” Mickey rolled his eyes.   
  
“I beg your pardon!” The Doctor squawked. “I’ll have you know that I’m famous for my regal splendour in at least three solar systems and I’m the three times winner of the Most Daringly Dignified Manly Man Award on Ursa Minor Beta!”   
  
“Daringly Dignified... _what_ ?” Mickey sputtered in disbelief. “You’re makin’ that up! And that…Ursa…place... isn’t even real- it’s from that Hitchhiker’s book Rose was talkin’ about yesterday!”   
  
The Doctor sniffed disdainfully. “Course it’s _real-_ took Rose to Milliways just last week. And I’d like to see you tell old Slartibartfast he isn’t real! Ha! You’d get a right proper set down. He’s a quick one, is old Slarty.”   
  
Mickey shook his head in bafflement. “Wait…what?”   
  
The Doctor sighed loudly. “You know, it’s much more fun explaining things to Rose- you’re a bit slow on the uptake.”   
  
“Oi! Who you callin’ _slow_ ?”   
  
The Doctor blinked. “Well _you_ , obviously. See what I mean?” He shook his head. “It’s really going to be very difficult to rescue Rose if you can’t keep up.”   
  
“Yeah well, I don’t read minds.” Mickey muttered.   
  
The TIme Lord rolled his eyes. “Obviously. You’re not the slightest bit telepathic, but I don’t see what that has to do with anything.” He slipped his hands into his pockets and rocked back on his heels, looking at Mickey pointedly. “Rose isn’t telepathic but she _always_ knows what I’m going to say before I say it.”   
  
Mickey sighed. “Well I’m not Rose, OK?” He rolled his eyes. “And for the record, she deserves a bleedin’ medal.”

The Doctor paused for a moment, his expression very carefully neutral. “Yeah. She’s…one of a kind, is Rose.”  
  
“Yeah, she is,” Mickey sighed, feeling sorry for the bloke who was so obviously in love with Rose, even if he was too thick to see it. “Alright, so what’s the plan? Explain it to me in actual sentences this time.”  
  
The Doctor bounced excitedly on his toes. “Well, as I said, Rose was captured by the Knights of the Oval-Almost-Circular-But-Not-Quite-Round-Table.” Seeing Mickey’s bemused nod, he plunged on. “Right, so once we’re appropriately attired, we’ll just nip on over to the capital, join the lineup of champions, look more manly than everyone else, compete for her favour, grab Rose and off we go!”  
  
Mickey stared. “Let me get this straight,” he said slowly. “We’re goin’ to this imitation medieval   
castle in a city I don't even know the name of-”  
  
“Spamalot,” the Doctor broke in, and Mickey’s eyes bugged.  
  
“Right, _Spamalot_ Castle, on a planet that sounds like it’s something from a Monty Python movie, lookin’ _manly_ and whatever, and... what? Shootin’ arrows, so we can rescue Rose?”  
  
“Well, that’s a rather simplistic way of looking at it, but in essence, yes.” The Doctor nodded, rocking back on his heels. “Although they don’t go in much for archery here- it’s a moonwalking competition usually. Or maybe a different dance, depending when it came in.”  
  
“Moonwalkin,” he said slowly, trying to keep from throttling the smug idiot in front of him. “And we’re doin’ this with cauliflowers strapped to our heads?”  
  
“Yep!” The Doctor popped the ‘p’ in that annoying way of his. “Moonwalking-or-other-dancing. With cauliflower. Any other questions or can we head off?”  
  
“Yeah, I have a question- _why_?”  
  
The Doctor blinked. “What d’you mean why? To rescue Rose, of course!” He looked at Mickey accusingly. “Don’t you want to rescue Rose?”  
  
“Yeah, obviously! I mean, _why_ are we moonwalking to win her back and _why are we doing it with Cauliflower strapped to our heads?_ ”  
  
“Oh, that.” The Doctor waved dismissively and started walking briskly towards the capital (Spamalot, Mickey thought hysterically). Mickey had to jog to keep up.. “They built this planet as a perpetual medieval fair of sorts, except by that point, the few texts they had from Earth were old and damaged, so they muddled it up a bit. Bit of medieval history and culture here, bit of twenty-first century history and culture there and hey, presto! One planet with a serious identity crisis and a penchant for MJ.” He preened. “I helped him write Billie Jean, you know.”  
  
Mickey rolled his eyes. “Yeah, okay. But that still doesn’t explain why we’re doin’ this with cauliflower strapped to our heads.”  
  
The Doctor shrugged. “It’s the sign of manliness on this planet.”  
  
“What, seriously?”  
  
“Yep. No one really knows how or why that custom began, but it’s the ultimate symbol of manliness, here. So if we want to be taken seriously, we need to be wearing nice big cauliflowers.”  
  
Mickey shook his head. How was it that every single conversation with the Doctor left him wondering if someone had slipped something in his beer and he was actually asleep and dreaming at the pub?  
  
They were a few feet from the drawbridge when something struck him. “Hey, wait, why’s your cauliflower bigger than mine?”  
  
The Doctor smirked. “Because I’m much manli-er than you are, obviously.”  
  
“Oi!”  
  
“Don’t feel bad, Mickey Mick Mick, Time Lords are a highly superior species.” The Doctor gave him a superior smile. “You’re very nice in your own little way.”  
  
With that, he made for the drawbridge.  
  
“Bet he’s compensatin’ for something,’” Mickey muttered before following.  
  
**************  
  
  
“Gather round, ye Ladybeetles and Gentlefish! The Contest of Manly Shivering is about to begin!”  
  
The trumpets sounded El Bimbo for the eighth time that day, and Rose tried very hard not to roll her eyes.  
  
_Ladybeetles_ and _Gentlefish_ , _shivering_ instead of _chivalry,_ and they even had the wrong trumpet fanfare.…They couldn’t have gotten this medieval business any more wrong if they’d tried. She shook her head. Next time she was on earth she was really going to have to talk to someone about trying to preserve the records better, if only so she didn’t wind up in a remake of _Monty Python and the Holy Grail._ Although, come to think of it, it would still be every bit as annoying- she _hated_ being the damsel in distress. Still,, the Doctor had been a good sport about it when she’d rescued him on their last adventure where he’d almost been sold at a man market, so really, she shouldn’t fuss just because it was her turn to be rescued.

“With your permission, Lady Rose, Lord Fontleroy will give the sign to begin?”    
  
Trying to keep a straight face, she adjusted her headdress (it figured that one of the few  medieval things they’d managed to get right was the stupidly uncomfortable clothing), and nodded regally. Lord _Fontleroy_ stood in full regalia and waved his hand dramatically.   
  
The trumpets blew and the contestants filed in, dressed in their finest hose and tunics…all except for a beaming Time Lord in a pinstriped suit and coat and a terrified looking  Mickey in his usual jeans. Both had cauliflower strapped to their heads.   
  
She blinked. Had someone slipped something in her tea or were the Doctor and Mickey _actually_ wearing cauliflower on their heads?   
  
Judging from the wide-eyed looks they were getting, it appeared to be the latter.

The wide-eyed Master of Ceremonies cleared his throat, the feather in his cap quivering. “My Lady Rose, I present for your inspection the suitors!” The trumpets blew again and Rose bit her lip to hold in her laughter at the Doctor’s expression. Evidently, she wasn’t the only one thinking of the Blue Oyster.

Taking a deep breath, she stood and did her very best Queen’s wave (which admittedly wasn’t very good), the champions bowed and the crowd cheered. Rose bit her lip, noting that she had an arena full of blokes in medieval clothing and wondered what she was supposed to do now. Was she supposed to tie her hanky to a lance? Or something?

Come to think of it, she didn’t have a hanky. Or a lance. And neither did anybody else, by the looks of it.

Luckily, the MC helped her out. “My lady, do you have any words of encouragement for your suitors as they compete for your dainty and most beauteous fingers?”

 _Fingers?_ Rose blinked at that, wanting tell the lot of them to sod off. “Er, yeah, sure. Um, be honourable- no cheatin’ yeah?  Good luck.” She shrugged and turned to the MC. “’S about it, really.” 

He cleared his throat. “Very well. Let the games begin! May the manliest man, in his utter shivery-ness, win the delicious fingers and nails of the fair Lady Rose!”

Rose tried to smile while internally cursing the damaged translations that had led to this supremely awkward and honestly creepy moment.

The champions bowed and spread out slightly, and to her surprise began to stretch.  

“Cue the music!” She heard behind her.

Suddenly the Dance of the Sugar Plum Fairies blared out across the arena, and to her absolute shock, the champions started to dance.

Ballet.

Or _attempted_ to dance ballet.

It was really quite awful to watch.

So far, the Doctor and Mickey hadn't moved at all. Catching her eye, the Doctor pouted and muttered something before leaping into the air and performing the most outrageously ridiculous dance she’d ever seen in her life (and she’d seen Cousin Mo dance a tango with a blender, one New Years). To make it even worse, he fished around in his coat pockets and managed to pull out a red rose, which he waved about, stuck between his teeth on occasion, and held over his head as he pranced.

Covering her smile with her hand, she turned to look at Mickey, who stood frozen in terror. Managing to catch his eye, she mouthed, _move_! She wasn’t sure what they’d do to him if he didn’t compete.

He nodded jerkily and began swaying self-consciously on the spot, and attempted a single, tiny, terrified pirouette.

She shook her head and turned her attention back to the Doctor, who was still twirling and prancing enthusiastically around the arena.

Finally, after what seemed forever, the music came to an end and the crowd cheered madly.

The MC approached her. “My Lady Rose,” he boomed. “Having witnessed this staggering display of Manliness and Utter Shivering, have you selected a suitor?”

“I have,” she said, trying to keep a straight face.

“And who is this Model of Manliness?”

Rose tried not to laugh. “I choose….that man over there, in the brown coat.”

The Doctor puffed out his chest and preened as the crowd went wild. 

“Come forth, He of the Brown Tufts and White Bulbous Hat, and receive from Lord Fontleroy the fingers of the entirely edible and fabulously sniffable Lady Rose.” 

Rose bit her lip to avoid laughing as the Doctor _strutted_ over to them.

Lord Fontleroy stood. “Welcome, Manly Stranger. Your Shivering and Your Mannish Self have won you the heartstrings and fingers of the most delectable Lady Rose. I congratulate you on your Suave-ishness and Totally Enviable Mannitude.” With that, he took her hand and placed it in the Doctor’s. “I must ask you, sir, whence came your hat? I have never seen the like. It appears almost as a vegetable, but I am certain this cannot be.” 

The Doctor scratched at his forehead. “Yeah, no, ‘fraid so. Just your ordinary garden variety cauliflower.”

Lord Fontleroy stared. “You must be joking, sir!” 

Rose piped up. “No, no- cauliflowers are the fashion now- it’s what the, um, manliest men, wear.”

“Right!” The Doctor nodded vigorously. “Sign of virility, and Manful Mannishness and...Mannitude. Bigger the cauliflower, the more... _mannish_ you are.”

The other man gaped. “Indeed? I must obtain one immediately.” He turned and whispered a few words to a nearby servant who hurried off. “I thank you, Sir, for this most vital information. What is your name, O Fashionable One?” 

The Doctor grinned. “The Doctor. _Sir_ Doctor. Of...er, TARDIS.. Well, we’d best be off, now! Places to go, Lady to serve and grovel to for the rest of my natural life, that sort of thing.”

“Yes, yes of course.” Lord Fontleroy bowed solemnly. “I bid you farewell, Sir Doctor of TARDIS and fair Lady Rose. Ah, I see your less masculine friend with the smaller cauliflower approaches. That is how the cauliflower sizes are to be interpreted, are they not?” 

The Doctor smirked at Mickey’s furious look. “Absolutely. Righto- Rose, Mickey, _allons y!”_

*****************

“I can’t believe we wore these stupid things and no one else did!” Mickey berated the Doctor on the way back to the TARDIS. 

The Doctor shrugged. “We landed ten years earlier than when fifth me was there, and they were the fashion then.”

“You were the one who _started_ the stupid fashion!” Mickey shouted. “If you hadn’t made us put ‘em on it would never have caught on!”

“You don’t know that! They might have come up with it themselves.”

Rose snorted. “Yeah, I can just see them just wakin’ up one day and randomly decidin’ to wear a vegetable.”

“There’s nothing wrong with that, I’ll have you know, Rose Tyler!” The Doctor sniffed. “Vegetables are _good_ for you.”

Rose grinned wickedly. “This wouldn’t have anything to do with fifth you wearing celery, would it?”

The Doctor sniffed again. “That is entirely beside the point. The point is that they could conceivably have decided to start wearing vegetables as accesories entirely on their own.”

 Mickey rolled his eyes. “No they couldn’t, because it’s _stupid_!”

“So’s kidnapping random women for sport and making them choose a ‘suitor’ so they can leave, but still do it!”  The Doctor scowled at Mickey. “You’re just jealous because my cauliflower is bigger than yours.” 

Rose burst out laughing. “Wait, what?”

“It’s true, Rose!” the Doctor pointed at a red-faced Mickey. “You should have seen him when we were coming to get you! He was entirely jealous of my lovely big cauliflower!”

Rose was laughing so hard that she squeaked.

“Was not!” Mickey mumbled, flushing.

“Was too!” The Doctor quivered with outrage. “He has cauliflower envy!”

_Fin_

 

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks for reading! Please come and see me over on Tumblr- I'm at countessselena.tumblr.com


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